So I have been sharing all of the processes and procedures we have been going through but I haven't really shared much about how this has effected me mentally.
When my husband and I first noticed there was a problem I was a little scared, but most of all I felt like a failure. All my friends were on the first or second child and the planned their conception to the date. I felt that I must be doing something wrong. When you feel ashamed you don't really want to share these secrets with others so they now know that you are a failure as well. We kept quiet about the appointments and struggles for a while.
It wasn't until June of 2010 that I shared with a close friend that was in the medical field, some of the tests that were performed. She advised me on different things but considering this was not her expertise she had little knowledge on treatment.
I will never forget the day that changed it all. My sister asked my mom and I to meet her at a store and shopped around, went to the parking lot and she told me that she was pregnant. I wanted to be excited for her but I had the feeling that I had been kicked in the gut. She wasn't trying, was married after me, and never led on that they were ready. I was very selfish at this time, I threw a pity party for myself and moved on.
I decided that this was the time to let my family in on the struggle. My mom was shocked and had no idea, she asked if there was anything she could do and offered her apologies. Once I opened up to my family I added my close group of friends in what was going on in my life. This was the best decision. I stopped feeling alone and had an outlet. My friends were great and all very supportive and asked questions so they could better understand what we were going through!
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